The Process of Becoming....

“Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” -Anais Nin

On the bus ride through campus this morning, it came to me. The culmination of the thoughts that I have been wrestling with for weeks. I live my life through goals and to-do lists.  Moreover, I invite others to join in my goals and crazy monthly or yearly challenges. And when asked about the reason, I don't really have compelling ones, other than 'I like to test my discipline from time to time.' I focus on reaching a destination, completing my goal, marking off something from the never ending to-do list. But what about the process of becoming?

I had a goal in 2008 to not eat meat (anything with a face or a momma) for 21 days after I read the book Skinny Bitch. In the process, I became a vegetarian. It’s been nearly 3 years. But that’s not what I want to do with my life. I have no plans to NEVER eat meat again. Unfortunately, I don’t have grave philosophical or political objections to eating meat; actually, I love meat!  What I wanted to do was to become a healthier person. I abandoned that for being a vegetarian. Let’s be honest, there are some unhealthy habits that I have picked up since becoming a vegetarian (carb fest anyone!?). Right now, I have a goal to only eat fried foods for one day a month for the year 2011. What am I trying to accomplish? I want to become a person committed to a healthy lifestyle which means being more mindful of my diet. Again, I am abandoning my true hope and in turn becoming a person who doesn't eat fried food. This is not the same. It would be more aligned if my not eating fried food was just one way in which I was eating healthier. But let's be honest. It's not and when I return to eating fried foods without restriction, it will not be as much, but I will not have become what I initially set out to be. That's means it's time for a change.

Last night while in a chat with a friend Shanoonee, I recounted by early reflection that I tend to be the Chicken and not the Pig in life. This time, I was talking about my academic endeavors. I have been involved up to this point, but have not committed myself to it. I have not truly sacrificed in this journey. Sure, there's been minor ones, but not to the level that I know is expected and not to the level to which I am proud. My commitaphobia is more pervasive than I originally thought. In academics, I have set a goal of a PhD and that will be achieved, but more, I want this time and this journey to be a process of becoming for me.

I have made the decision to focus on the process of becoming instead of being a goal-oriented person. Yes, goals and milestones are going to be a part of that process. But they should not constitute it. Aristotle said ‘we are what we repeatedly do; therefore, excellence is not an act, but a habit.” As I surrender to the notion of becoming, I notice the little things that I can and should repeatedly do to cultivate the values and habits of mind, body and spirit, that will help me to get there. I've already had a little taste of that. This month I endeavored to be more committed to physical exercise and have taken my behind to the gym at least 4x per week. I feel good because I didn't make any specific goals. I just committed to the idea and did what I could to accomplish it. It wasn't tied to a weight on a scale or a certain number of times per week. It was tied to the commitment of being someone who 'moves!'


As I think about this place where I currently find myself, I am ready to boldly make 4 statements about my processing of becoming.

• I am in the process of becoming a higher education and student affairs scholar.
• I am in the process of becoming a person committed to living a healthy lifestyle.
• I am in the process of becoming a committed person in my word and in my deed.
• I am in the process of becoming a better person ..... and open to what they may bring.

And now, I am ready to state this as well:  I am no longer a vegetarian. This was a choice. This was a goal. I achieved it. I believed it. It's over. That's not to mean that I am running out and eating a steak tonight, tomorrow or in 3 months even. I am a healthy (ier) eater. It means that I am committing to a healthier lifestyle and I know that going meatless for several meals a week is healthy for me. But also that meat has benefits that I should tap into. Can we say buh-bye to anemia and B12 deficiency!?!

The premise of this blog was that I was going to accomplish 30 things before my 30th birthday! Am I going to abandon them. Not completely, but I was already feeling the dred that came from my not accomplishing them as speedily or focusing on them. I'll do them, I'll blog about them. But my ridiculous goal lists will not dictate my actions. Committed to the process of becoming will involve some goals and milestones, anyhow, so that is still exciting to me. But more so the opportunity to think about how the everyday of my life is instructive for deeping our character and personhood is far more exciting!

This makes sense to me. Hopefully it does for the 3 readers who will read, but most importantly, it makes sense to me!


*Disclaimer: The process of becoming is just that... a process....so miraculous changes won't be seen overnight....and I don't expect it. So if you see me procrastinate on a paper or slippin with my gym game...no judgements please. Only encouragement :)

The E.N.D.

Inspiration can come from everywhere; I've heard this song hundreds of times, but today, I really listened to the opening lyrics and it describes how I feel on many levels.

Welcome...
Welcome to The E.N.D.
Do not p-p-p-panic
There is nothing to f-f-f-f-fear...
Everything around you, is changing...
Nothing stays the same..
This version of myself is not permanent...
Tomorrow, I will be different
The Energy Never Dies...
Energy cannot be destroyed, or created...
It always is...it always will be
This is the end, and the beginning..
Forever...Infinite...
Welcome...


April 1st is a day for me. It's feeled with mixed emotions, both delight and disappointment. I always reflect on how my life changed because of what happened on this day. I am not the same person then as I am today. And I am not going to be the same person tomorrow. This version of myself is not permanent. I am in a constant state of evolving. This is the end, and the beginning.

Get Off the Struggle Bus!

I've been trying to figure out what my next blog post was going to be...but I came across a post I did January 5, 2010 and it is exactly where I am today! So I would like to share an oldie, but a goodie! I needed this today!

Get off the Struggle Bus! This was a part of a powerpoint from a prodevo session I attended today and it's pretty powerful in its own right! The struggle bus are those habits, mistakes, tests/trials, and experiences that get the best of us, that detracts us from our true potential and happiness. We all know people who have permanent seats on the struggle bus and I know I take a ride every now and then!

But as I was reading my devotional about how life is a test and a trust, something connected with that statement from earlier today. The devotional read. "Even the smallest incident has significance for your character development. Every day is an important day, and every second is a growth opportunity to deepen your character, to demonstrate love, or to depend on God." 

If that's not the way to get and stay off the struggle bus, I don't know what is! I will have tests and experiences, yes, that on some days will cause me to want to ride the struggle bus, but I must choose to see it for what it really is. An opportunity to deepen my character, show myself approved, and to trust God! It's all about changing my perception! 

It's time to get off the struggle bus!

Lessons from Mulan

I've always loved Mulan. I remember watching it for the first time-it was after I had heard Christina Aguilera's song 'Reflection'.  I can't think of a single song that best captures my life as that song does. It would be the title track to the soundtrack of my life. Everytime I hear it, something stirs in my spirit. I guess that's why I have always thought that Mulan was Alter-Ego. But as I sit tonight and watch the movie (I just ordered it from my Disney Movie Club membership!), I realize that she's is not my alter-ego. She is my role model. There are so many lessons that can be learned from Mulan, so many themes that I can apply to my life. 

[1] Discipline, Strength, and Courage. In deciding to protect her family, Mulan voluntarily subjects herself to a rigorous warrior training process. She pushes herself beyond her limits and is tested in war, literally and figuratively. She knows that persistence is her only option. She can't turn back now. She develops discipline, strength, and courage above and beyond many of her peers. Of course, this is seemingly ironic because it was emphasized at the beginning of the movie several times that Mulan was a disgrace, that she should learn her place, and she dishonored her father. However, Mulan becomes a warrior of great courage, not because of her official training, but because it was already within her...I guess that's what India Arie meant with her lyrics "Strength, courage, and wisdom...it's been inside of me...all along." It's time for me to embrace mine. I can't continue to be a psullanimous individual (this word is for my Roomie). Remember this year, I'm trying to defy gravity. 

[2] Change Agent. At the very beginning of the movie, there are two very powerful quotes: "A single grain of rice can tip the scale" and " One man may be the difference between victory and defeat." Throughout the movie, Mulan does single acts that tip the scale. Launching the cannon at the iceberg. Choosing to warn Shang after being wounded and seeing the Huns. Mulan goes against gender norms, she goes against conventions. She goes again tradition. She is creative at the temple. She gets results. 

[3] Service. In choosing to serve others, Mulan 'found' herself. She learned of her own strength, determination, abilities, gifts, bravery, and character. She was tested in adversity and she rose to the challenge. Service is something that I have always valued, but lately, I haven't prioritized it. I need to reconnect with that aspect of me. 

[4] Expectations. I've been struggling with this notion of expectations. Expectations of myself. Expectations of others. Expectations of others for me. Even Mulan struggled with her family's expectations of her...she just wanted to look into the mirror and see something worthwhile. At the end, she does realize that she has to live a life that she is proud of by acting in integrity and in honor. But she also took a chill pill and noted "Im just making this up as I go!" Sometimes, that's just what is needed. A decompression. Life doesn't have to be so structured and stressful. Sometimes, it'll work out 

There's so much more that this movie offers, but it's getting super late and I have to get up in the morning early! And in the end, Mulan got her man too! #justsayin :)

Words are Powerful...

I know some folks say that the 'worst' prayer that you can pray is to ask God for patience, because patience cannot be learned, it has to be practiced! You will find yourself in situations that require you to exhibit patience when you would rather not. That's how I am beginning to feel about my selection of 'Defying Gravity' as my mantra for 2011. This year has been such a roller coaster for me and it's only February 1st. I feel like I am going at ridiculously fast pace and not having time to catch my breath. I feel like everything that I have to do, the expectations that I have to meet for other people, the expectations that I have set for myself, and life in general is just unmanageable. I feel like I am going against the natural order of things. There's not enough time in the day and not enough peace in my mind to contain everything. It's like the only thing that I can do is to try to defy gravity. Not so sure how effective I am doing at that right now, but it is what it is. Here's the thing: I am not in the abyss. I just recognize my situation. I will keep at it. I Choose.....to keep going.

The Dark Side of the Abyss

Everyone knows about the Dark Side of the Abyss, but few people actually call it that. It's that place where you start to reflect on anything and everything and nothing at all. It's that place where you scrutinize your every misstep, relive every bad choice and regret all of the instances where you exercised poor judgement. It's that place where for once, you can hardly think of anyone else to blame; you only blame yourself. Part of you knows that it isn't entirely the case, but the Dark Side of the Abyss is a spiral. Thoughts turn into judgements, self-doubt, and bring up more thoughts. None of which are positive. And because it's a spiral, it's hard to get out once it envelops you. And the thing about this place is that, you have to get yourself out of it---no one else can help you there. You are your own hero. 

For me, I never know when I will vacation in the Dark Side of the Abyss. I must admit that sometimes, I have this spidey-sense that it's looming. Most often, it's when I sit and replay conversations and interactions with people that I am not comfortable with. It's a terrible trait of mine, but it is what it is. To so many people, I may come off as someone who is straightforward, but internally, I filter and hold back A LOT. I am convinced that's why I spend quality time in the Dark Side of the Abyss. It's because I don't communicate as well as I ought too. The latest trip to the dark side of the abyss has just reaffirmed that for me. 

My 29th item on my '30 Before 30' list is "Forgive, Forget, and Move On." It's one of the last items of the list because it's going to take a lot for me to able to do this; most of the year maybe. It's going to take courage, trust, and patience. I have a problem with forgiveness and especially with forgetting. I hold things in. I don't tell people when I have been hurt by them. I hold people to high expectations and then get disappointed when they don't meet them. And if I am honest with myself....sometimes the expectations may be unrealistic for them in their eyes. But it doesn't matter, either way, I am left to deal with the angst and resentment that it leaves...not them. But since I don't deal with issues straight on, it kinda get buried under my latest busyness of life. But once I slow down or something rekindles that flame....I am reminded again of that which I never dealt with. It's amazing to me how in my personal life, I am such an avoider, but in every other area of my life, I just tackle things head on. 

I want to enter my 30s with a renewed spirit, mind, and body. To do this, I have to learn how to forgive others and also myself. I need to make peace with others and with myself. I can already tell that it's not going to be easy, but I really want to. In the words of India Arie "But today I decided to let it all go. I'm dropping these bags, I'm making room for my joy. I Choose...to be the best that I can be. I Choose...to be authentic in everything I do."

I Choose. 

To The End of My Own Rainbow...

That's right... I am moving to the end of my own rainbow for 2011. I have decided to write a blog about my outlook on men this year! It's time. Because this past weekend alone has reminded me of where I think I stand. 

[1] I am WORTHY and WORTH IT! Seriously, sometimes, as a 29 and counting woman, I forget that. Each day as my mother reminds me about how much she wants to be a grandmother of many, I think about the fact that my eggs are at half empty. Within these next few years, some life changes will have to happen. But at the end of the day, I am still worthy and worth it. I would so date and marry me. I am a good catch. And when it's time, someone else will and shall know it.  Disclaimer: I realize that she is not actually pressuring me, but just overly dramatic!--she says I always blog about her in an unfavorable way :)

[2] I want to be in a relationship, but I am not desperate! Being back in a small town, I see the non-existent dating pool and you almost wanna think that whatever presents itself will be cool. But then, I am reminded of one of my favorite books, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert says it precisely: "In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." And since I am already accused of setting high standards for those in my life, so now is not the time to give up. I did that once this year already and it was not a good look. So I fully expect that only qualified applicants need apply! Haha. 

[4] My Love is TOO Considerate and Virtuous to be thrown back in my face! I am sooo tired of the ridiculousness that dudes bring with them. It's not that hard in my world. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. They make it work. Why the extraness? Why the lack of consistency? Why the lack of consideration? Why the games? I am just not able any more. And you know why, because of point #1. It would be different if I were one of those raggedy chicks out there but I'm not! Of course, we all have baggage and all have issues, but I know that at the end of the day, I'm a good one. And relationships should not be so one-sided! Why do you want me to meet you at your side of the bridge....I'm sorry...are your legs broke? Can you not at least meet me in the middle? Seriously. #iCant and #iWont in 2011. I've had a couple of moments in 2010 where it was thrown back in my face....and this year, NOPE!

Well, even though I promised that I would not edit my thoughts as much with this blog as I do with my other, this blog needed some editing for sure because right now, I have very strong thoughts in light of most recent incidents. Anyhow...maybe a revisit to this later.