"Because as a colored girl, I had convinced myself that I have no right to sorrow"
~ For Colored Girls
I love quotes; I always have. They're my poetry. It's amazing how in a moment of reflection, the remembrance of a line or some text that you have read can pop into your head. And in that moment, makes perfect sense and decribes your life and view using a perfect collection of words. That's how I have been feeling lately and this quote from the movie keeps coming back to me. I decided to look up the word sorrow. Here's what I found:
–noun
1.
distress caused by loss, affliction, disappointment, etc.;grief, sadness, or regret.
2.
a cause or occasion of grief or regret, as an affliction, amisfortune, or trouble: His first sorrow was the bank failure.
3.
the expression of grief, sadness, disappointment, or the like:muffled sorrow.
I started this blog as a way to live life, celebrate the journey to my 3-0....but this year has been a HOT MESS and it's caused me to renegotiate my life on so many levels, many of which I did not expect, was not willing or able to do. So, this blog has suffered, because I didn't want to blog and write about 'sorrow' but unfortunately, my life this year has been marred by sorrow. More days than not, I have started my day reciting "We wear the mask that grins and lies. That hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. This debt we pay to human guile, with torn and bleeding hearts we smile' -- just to make it through the day. I didn't have the right to be sad. To be distressed. To be in this place. On the surface, I smile and act like everything is fine, but it hasn't been! It's been ridiculous and filled with much sorrow. Thus, I grabbed my mask daily and put it on. And when it started to crack (an oh how it did that evening!) , I grabbed Elmer's glue and put it back together!
I have been so busy listening to and caring about other folks' issues that I don't always deal with mine. Or when I do, I use maladaptive coping methods. On many levels, I don't think that I am entitled to have an off day or to be sad. This is where the quote comes in. As a Black woman in America, I am supposed to be strong. I am supposed to be able to shake it off. I am supposed to be able to carry on in the face of adversity. And supposed to look good while doing it. And when you add the layer of my educational level to that... I definitely shouldn't have any right to sorrow. But that's just too much expectation that I have on myself. I have been learning to develop better coping and communication skills. I will not make it if I don't.
I'm in a much better place these days and revisiting some of the parts of me. Onward and upward.....
