Defying Gravity--Revisted!

So, we're just going to skip the pleasantries about why I haven't been keeping up with blogging and the like. Fact: it's been a crazy, crazy semester. Fact: I have been meaning to write this blog for some time now and just now getting around to doing it. But hey, as Gangstalicious told Riley in an episode of Boondocks "What's done is done. Let's be solution-oriented!" So here goes....

It seems like just yesterday, but indeed, it's been almost a year. In true TJD fashion, I made a list of all of the things that I wanted to accomplish on the road to 30. Never mind, that I was still working on my 101 Goals list too. But a list I made. The first thing on the list was "Create a mantra for my golden year." (See first blog post!) After weeks of thought, I settled on Defying Gravity...from one of my favorite musicals Wicked! I chose this mantra because the song talked about removing limitations, confronting fear, trusting oneself, and talked about embracing life! I thought about all the wonderful things that were going to happen and the new experiences. I even made one of the items on my 30x30 list as "Find a way to defy gravity." To be honest, I had considered skydiving, wind tunnel indoor diving, bungee jumping, all types of things to defy gravity.

Fast forward to November 2011. This year has been freaking ridiculous! It's sucked. So much has happened to me, around me, and within me. Much of which I have wrestled with apart from family and friends while wearing a smile in public. It's just been a year. One night a couple of weeks ago, I was lying in bed thinking about this year. Feeling a bit lost, a bit more disappointed, and a whole lot of hurt and confusion. Then I thought about my mantra. Have I really been defying gravity this year? I thought not. 

Then something inside me told me to look up the word 'gravity.' It's well past midnight at this point and I had been lying in the dark for over 2 hours thinking. But I trusted that voice and looked up the definition of gravity. I ended up reading the Wikipedia instead and it read "Gravitation is most familiar as the agent that gives weight to objects with mass and causes them to fall to the ground when dropped." We all know that gravity is what keeps us down on the ground, without it we would be floating in air, like in space. Then, it immediately came to me. I had accomplished my mantra by defying gravity. Clearly that 'something inside me' was the Holy Spirit.

When people, situations, and issues knocked me down, I was able to get back up. When things knocked the wind out of me and stole my joy, my peace, and my sanity, I didn't stay down there. I am not saying that it happened immediately or that it wasn't that shaky sorta stand where you need people to stand beside you just in case your knees give out. I am not going to lie, it's been real!  Gravity keeps you down--but I didn't stay down! This year wasn't about the grand new adventures and new experiences of fancy free, self-focused living that I thought a year ago. Defying gravity--this year was just about being about to get up when gravity tried to hold me down.

And I also realized  that I had found a way to defy gravity....But GOD! This year, even as I have faltered in my faith at various times (we all have a lil Job in us....hast God forsaken me?), God was still who He said he was. He was a shepherd, healer, comforter, provider, protector, father, and everything else that I needed. He gave me rest during those times when my mind literally could not hold any more thoughts or worry. He placed people in my life to help me, encourage me, and shape me into a better person. Me and Jesus are still on the path to where I know he wants me to be. One of the songs that has really been in my spirit over the past months is Tamela Mann's Step Aside:

Hold on don’t give up
Don’t you worry you don’t have to cry
God sees, He sees what you’re going through
God is willing and He’s able
This didn’t catch Him by surprise
So if you would trust Him and just step, step aside

And be still; don’t question it
For these obstacles they were allowed
And know he wants to take you
Take you higher, higher you just hold on....
And know my God is willing; and he's able
This didn’t catch Him by surprise
So if we would trust Him and just step, step, step aside

These lyrics have been a great source of both comfort and tears. This year didn't catch Him by surprise--but me, oh I was ALL KINDS of SURPRISED! But as I end this year and look to the next, I will continue to trust him. Philippians 1:6 reads "For I am confident, that He who began a good work in me will continue until it is finished" Thank you God for blessing me and allowing me to defy gravity this year! 

The Right to Sorrow

"Because as a colored girl, I had convinced myself that I have no right to sorrow"

~ For Colored Girls

I love quotes; I always have. They're my poetry. It's amazing how in a moment of reflection, the remembrance of a line or some text that you have read can pop into your head. And in that moment, makes perfect sense and decribes your life and view using a perfect collection of words. That's how I have been feeling lately and this quote from the movie keeps coming back to me. I decided to look up the word sorrow. Here's what I found:

–noun

1.

distress caused by loss, affliction, disappointment, etc.;grief, sadness, or regret.

2.

a cause or occasion of grief or regret, as an affliction, amisfortune, or trouble: His first sorrow was the bank failure.

3.

the expression of grief, sadness, disappointment, or the like:muffled sorrow.

I started this blog as a way to live life, celebrate the journey to my 3-0....but this year has been a HOT MESS and it's caused me to renegotiate my life on so many levels, many of which I did not expect, was not willing or able to do. So, this blog has suffered, because I didn't want to blog and write about 'sorrow' but unfortunately, my life this year has been marred by sorrow. More days than not, I have started my day reciting "We wear the mask that grins and lies. That hides our cheeks and shades our eyes.   This debt we pay to human guile, with torn and bleeding hearts we smile' -- just to make it through the day. I didn't have the right to be sad. To be distressed. To be in this place. On the surface, I smile and act like everything is fine, but it hasn't been! It's been ridiculous and filled with much sorrow. Thus, I grabbed my mask daily and put it on. And when it started to crack (an oh how it did that evening!) , I grabbed Elmer's glue and put it back together!

I have been so busy listening to and caring about other folks' issues that I don't always deal with mine. Or when I do, I use maladaptive coping methods. On many levels, I don't think that I am entitled to have an off day or to be sad. This is where the quote comes in.  As a Black woman in America, I am supposed to be strong. I am supposed to be able to shake it off. I am supposed to be able to carry on in the face of adversity. And supposed to look good while doing it. And when you add the layer of my educational level to that... I definitely shouldn't have any right to sorrow. But that's just too much expectation that I have on myself. I have been learning to develop better coping and communication skills. I will not make it if I don't.

I'm in a much better place these days and revisiting some of the parts of me. Onward and upward.....

The Process of Becoming....

“Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” -Anais Nin

On the bus ride through campus this morning, it came to me. The culmination of the thoughts that I have been wrestling with for weeks. I live my life through goals and to-do lists.  Moreover, I invite others to join in my goals and crazy monthly or yearly challenges. And when asked about the reason, I don't really have compelling ones, other than 'I like to test my discipline from time to time.' I focus on reaching a destination, completing my goal, marking off something from the never ending to-do list. But what about the process of becoming?

I had a goal in 2008 to not eat meat (anything with a face or a momma) for 21 days after I read the book Skinny Bitch. In the process, I became a vegetarian. It’s been nearly 3 years. But that’s not what I want to do with my life. I have no plans to NEVER eat meat again. Unfortunately, I don’t have grave philosophical or political objections to eating meat; actually, I love meat!  What I wanted to do was to become a healthier person. I abandoned that for being a vegetarian. Let’s be honest, there are some unhealthy habits that I have picked up since becoming a vegetarian (carb fest anyone!?). Right now, I have a goal to only eat fried foods for one day a month for the year 2011. What am I trying to accomplish? I want to become a person committed to a healthy lifestyle which means being more mindful of my diet. Again, I am abandoning my true hope and in turn becoming a person who doesn't eat fried food. This is not the same. It would be more aligned if my not eating fried food was just one way in which I was eating healthier. But let's be honest. It's not and when I return to eating fried foods without restriction, it will not be as much, but I will not have become what I initially set out to be. That's means it's time for a change.

Last night while in a chat with a friend Shanoonee, I recounted by early reflection that I tend to be the Chicken and not the Pig in life. This time, I was talking about my academic endeavors. I have been involved up to this point, but have not committed myself to it. I have not truly sacrificed in this journey. Sure, there's been minor ones, but not to the level that I know is expected and not to the level to which I am proud. My commitaphobia is more pervasive than I originally thought. In academics, I have set a goal of a PhD and that will be achieved, but more, I want this time and this journey to be a process of becoming for me.

I have made the decision to focus on the process of becoming instead of being a goal-oriented person. Yes, goals and milestones are going to be a part of that process. But they should not constitute it. Aristotle said ‘we are what we repeatedly do; therefore, excellence is not an act, but a habit.” As I surrender to the notion of becoming, I notice the little things that I can and should repeatedly do to cultivate the values and habits of mind, body and spirit, that will help me to get there. I've already had a little taste of that. This month I endeavored to be more committed to physical exercise and have taken my behind to the gym at least 4x per week. I feel good because I didn't make any specific goals. I just committed to the idea and did what I could to accomplish it. It wasn't tied to a weight on a scale or a certain number of times per week. It was tied to the commitment of being someone who 'moves!'


As I think about this place where I currently find myself, I am ready to boldly make 4 statements about my processing of becoming.

• I am in the process of becoming a higher education and student affairs scholar.
• I am in the process of becoming a person committed to living a healthy lifestyle.
• I am in the process of becoming a committed person in my word and in my deed.
• I am in the process of becoming a better person ..... and open to what they may bring.

And now, I am ready to state this as well:  I am no longer a vegetarian. This was a choice. This was a goal. I achieved it. I believed it. It's over. That's not to mean that I am running out and eating a steak tonight, tomorrow or in 3 months even. I am a healthy (ier) eater. It means that I am committing to a healthier lifestyle and I know that going meatless for several meals a week is healthy for me. But also that meat has benefits that I should tap into. Can we say buh-bye to anemia and B12 deficiency!?!

The premise of this blog was that I was going to accomplish 30 things before my 30th birthday! Am I going to abandon them. Not completely, but I was already feeling the dred that came from my not accomplishing them as speedily or focusing on them. I'll do them, I'll blog about them. But my ridiculous goal lists will not dictate my actions. Committed to the process of becoming will involve some goals and milestones, anyhow, so that is still exciting to me. But more so the opportunity to think about how the everyday of my life is instructive for deeping our character and personhood is far more exciting!

This makes sense to me. Hopefully it does for the 3 readers who will read, but most importantly, it makes sense to me!


*Disclaimer: The process of becoming is just that... a process....so miraculous changes won't be seen overnight....and I don't expect it. So if you see me procrastinate on a paper or slippin with my gym game...no judgements please. Only encouragement :)

The E.N.D.

Inspiration can come from everywhere; I've heard this song hundreds of times, but today, I really listened to the opening lyrics and it describes how I feel on many levels.

Welcome...
Welcome to The E.N.D.
Do not p-p-p-panic
There is nothing to f-f-f-f-fear...
Everything around you, is changing...
Nothing stays the same..
This version of myself is not permanent...
Tomorrow, I will be different
The Energy Never Dies...
Energy cannot be destroyed, or created...
It always is...it always will be
This is the end, and the beginning..
Forever...Infinite...
Welcome...


April 1st is a day for me. It's feeled with mixed emotions, both delight and disappointment. I always reflect on how my life changed because of what happened on this day. I am not the same person then as I am today. And I am not going to be the same person tomorrow. This version of myself is not permanent. I am in a constant state of evolving. This is the end, and the beginning.

Get Off the Struggle Bus!

I've been trying to figure out what my next blog post was going to be...but I came across a post I did January 5, 2010 and it is exactly where I am today! So I would like to share an oldie, but a goodie! I needed this today!

Get off the Struggle Bus! This was a part of a powerpoint from a prodevo session I attended today and it's pretty powerful in its own right! The struggle bus are those habits, mistakes, tests/trials, and experiences that get the best of us, that detracts us from our true potential and happiness. We all know people who have permanent seats on the struggle bus and I know I take a ride every now and then!

But as I was reading my devotional about how life is a test and a trust, something connected with that statement from earlier today. The devotional read. "Even the smallest incident has significance for your character development. Every day is an important day, and every second is a growth opportunity to deepen your character, to demonstrate love, or to depend on God." 

If that's not the way to get and stay off the struggle bus, I don't know what is! I will have tests and experiences, yes, that on some days will cause me to want to ride the struggle bus, but I must choose to see it for what it really is. An opportunity to deepen my character, show myself approved, and to trust God! It's all about changing my perception! 

It's time to get off the struggle bus!

Lessons from Mulan

I've always loved Mulan. I remember watching it for the first time-it was after I had heard Christina Aguilera's song 'Reflection'.  I can't think of a single song that best captures my life as that song does. It would be the title track to the soundtrack of my life. Everytime I hear it, something stirs in my spirit. I guess that's why I have always thought that Mulan was Alter-Ego. But as I sit tonight and watch the movie (I just ordered it from my Disney Movie Club membership!), I realize that she's is not my alter-ego. She is my role model. There are so many lessons that can be learned from Mulan, so many themes that I can apply to my life. 

[1] Discipline, Strength, and Courage. In deciding to protect her family, Mulan voluntarily subjects herself to a rigorous warrior training process. She pushes herself beyond her limits and is tested in war, literally and figuratively. She knows that persistence is her only option. She can't turn back now. She develops discipline, strength, and courage above and beyond many of her peers. Of course, this is seemingly ironic because it was emphasized at the beginning of the movie several times that Mulan was a disgrace, that she should learn her place, and she dishonored her father. However, Mulan becomes a warrior of great courage, not because of her official training, but because it was already within her...I guess that's what India Arie meant with her lyrics "Strength, courage, and wisdom...it's been inside of me...all along." It's time for me to embrace mine. I can't continue to be a psullanimous individual (this word is for my Roomie). Remember this year, I'm trying to defy gravity. 

[2] Change Agent. At the very beginning of the movie, there are two very powerful quotes: "A single grain of rice can tip the scale" and " One man may be the difference between victory and defeat." Throughout the movie, Mulan does single acts that tip the scale. Launching the cannon at the iceberg. Choosing to warn Shang after being wounded and seeing the Huns. Mulan goes against gender norms, she goes against conventions. She goes again tradition. She is creative at the temple. She gets results. 

[3] Service. In choosing to serve others, Mulan 'found' herself. She learned of her own strength, determination, abilities, gifts, bravery, and character. She was tested in adversity and she rose to the challenge. Service is something that I have always valued, but lately, I haven't prioritized it. I need to reconnect with that aspect of me. 

[4] Expectations. I've been struggling with this notion of expectations. Expectations of myself. Expectations of others. Expectations of others for me. Even Mulan struggled with her family's expectations of her...she just wanted to look into the mirror and see something worthwhile. At the end, she does realize that she has to live a life that she is proud of by acting in integrity and in honor. But she also took a chill pill and noted "Im just making this up as I go!" Sometimes, that's just what is needed. A decompression. Life doesn't have to be so structured and stressful. Sometimes, it'll work out 

There's so much more that this movie offers, but it's getting super late and I have to get up in the morning early! And in the end, Mulan got her man too! #justsayin :)

Words are Powerful...

I know some folks say that the 'worst' prayer that you can pray is to ask God for patience, because patience cannot be learned, it has to be practiced! You will find yourself in situations that require you to exhibit patience when you would rather not. That's how I am beginning to feel about my selection of 'Defying Gravity' as my mantra for 2011. This year has been such a roller coaster for me and it's only February 1st. I feel like I am going at ridiculously fast pace and not having time to catch my breath. I feel like everything that I have to do, the expectations that I have to meet for other people, the expectations that I have set for myself, and life in general is just unmanageable. I feel like I am going against the natural order of things. There's not enough time in the day and not enough peace in my mind to contain everything. It's like the only thing that I can do is to try to defy gravity. Not so sure how effective I am doing at that right now, but it is what it is. Here's the thing: I am not in the abyss. I just recognize my situation. I will keep at it. I Choose.....to keep going.