The Dark Side of the Abyss

Everyone knows about the Dark Side of the Abyss, but few people actually call it that. It's that place where you start to reflect on anything and everything and nothing at all. It's that place where you scrutinize your every misstep, relive every bad choice and regret all of the instances where you exercised poor judgement. It's that place where for once, you can hardly think of anyone else to blame; you only blame yourself. Part of you knows that it isn't entirely the case, but the Dark Side of the Abyss is a spiral. Thoughts turn into judgements, self-doubt, and bring up more thoughts. None of which are positive. And because it's a spiral, it's hard to get out once it envelops you. And the thing about this place is that, you have to get yourself out of it---no one else can help you there. You are your own hero. 

For me, I never know when I will vacation in the Dark Side of the Abyss. I must admit that sometimes, I have this spidey-sense that it's looming. Most often, it's when I sit and replay conversations and interactions with people that I am not comfortable with. It's a terrible trait of mine, but it is what it is. To so many people, I may come off as someone who is straightforward, but internally, I filter and hold back A LOT. I am convinced that's why I spend quality time in the Dark Side of the Abyss. It's because I don't communicate as well as I ought too. The latest trip to the dark side of the abyss has just reaffirmed that for me. 

My 29th item on my '30 Before 30' list is "Forgive, Forget, and Move On." It's one of the last items of the list because it's going to take a lot for me to able to do this; most of the year maybe. It's going to take courage, trust, and patience. I have a problem with forgiveness and especially with forgetting. I hold things in. I don't tell people when I have been hurt by them. I hold people to high expectations and then get disappointed when they don't meet them. And if I am honest with myself....sometimes the expectations may be unrealistic for them in their eyes. But it doesn't matter, either way, I am left to deal with the angst and resentment that it leaves...not them. But since I don't deal with issues straight on, it kinda get buried under my latest busyness of life. But once I slow down or something rekindles that flame....I am reminded again of that which I never dealt with. It's amazing to me how in my personal life, I am such an avoider, but in every other area of my life, I just tackle things head on. 

I want to enter my 30s with a renewed spirit, mind, and body. To do this, I have to learn how to forgive others and also myself. I need to make peace with others and with myself. I can already tell that it's not going to be easy, but I really want to. In the words of India Arie "But today I decided to let it all go. I'm dropping these bags, I'm making room for my joy. I Choose...to be the best that I can be. I Choose...to be authentic in everything I do."

I Choose. 

To The End of My Own Rainbow...

That's right... I am moving to the end of my own rainbow for 2011. I have decided to write a blog about my outlook on men this year! It's time. Because this past weekend alone has reminded me of where I think I stand. 

[1] I am WORTHY and WORTH IT! Seriously, sometimes, as a 29 and counting woman, I forget that. Each day as my mother reminds me about how much she wants to be a grandmother of many, I think about the fact that my eggs are at half empty. Within these next few years, some life changes will have to happen. But at the end of the day, I am still worthy and worth it. I would so date and marry me. I am a good catch. And when it's time, someone else will and shall know it.  Disclaimer: I realize that she is not actually pressuring me, but just overly dramatic!--she says I always blog about her in an unfavorable way :)

[2] I want to be in a relationship, but I am not desperate! Being back in a small town, I see the non-existent dating pool and you almost wanna think that whatever presents itself will be cool. But then, I am reminded of one of my favorite books, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert says it precisely: "In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." And since I am already accused of setting high standards for those in my life, so now is not the time to give up. I did that once this year already and it was not a good look. So I fully expect that only qualified applicants need apply! Haha. 

[4] My Love is TOO Considerate and Virtuous to be thrown back in my face! I am sooo tired of the ridiculousness that dudes bring with them. It's not that hard in my world. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. They make it work. Why the extraness? Why the lack of consistency? Why the lack of consideration? Why the games? I am just not able any more. And you know why, because of point #1. It would be different if I were one of those raggedy chicks out there but I'm not! Of course, we all have baggage and all have issues, but I know that at the end of the day, I'm a good one. And relationships should not be so one-sided! Why do you want me to meet you at your side of the bridge....I'm sorry...are your legs broke? Can you not at least meet me in the middle? Seriously. #iCant and #iWont in 2011. I've had a couple of moments in 2010 where it was thrown back in my face....and this year, NOPE!

Well, even though I promised that I would not edit my thoughts as much with this blog as I do with my other, this blog needed some editing for sure because right now, I have very strong thoughts in light of most recent incidents. Anyhow...maybe a revisit to this later.

Bacon or Eggs?

Here's the story of the Chicken and the Pig from Wikipedia if you haven't heard the story.There are several variants as to how the Chicken and the Pig meet and the level of the relationship between the two. However, in every variant, the Chicken suggests that the two involve themselves in a scheme involving making bacon and eggs for breakfast. In reply, the Pig always notes that, for the Chicken, only a contribution is required (as a chicken can simply lay an egg and then resume normal activities), while for the Pig a "total commitment" (or total sacrifice) is needed (as in order to make bacon, the pig must be slaughtered).

Today, I was chatting with my friend CRT and she remarked "you know you are a commit-a-phobe." She suggested that I add to my '30 before 30' list: "Commit to something that involves someone other than yourself." Ouch. Truth hurts. And that's when I replied, "yep, I am a chicken." And on the literal and the figurative level, it's true. If I am totally honest with myself, I am afraid to fully commit to someone or even something, say as simple as a job. With total commitment and sacrifice and the possibility of rejection, disappointment, disillusionment, hurt, betrayal, disloyalty, and a host of other negative results. The more optimistic side of me knows that freedom, love, loyalty, companionship, trust, and so many other things can happen as well. But to be truthful, I've by far experienced more of the negative in relationship with others and I've only allowed myself to be 'involved'.....although I would argue that my involvement can be more than most so-called-commitment. But be that as it may...

So what to do.. what to do...Whelp, for one, I am not adding it to my list although it's a good one. The list is complete (more on that to come!). But I should work on this during the year. I am supposed to be confronting my fears and moving forward with my life. So CRT, thanks for the suggestion. I will work on it. But know that it's going to have to be something that really deserves my total commitment because this year is about ME!