The E.N.D.

Inspiration can come from everywhere; I've heard this song hundreds of times, but today, I really listened to the opening lyrics and it describes how I feel on many levels.

Welcome...
Welcome to The E.N.D.
Do not p-p-p-panic
There is nothing to f-f-f-f-fear...
Everything around you, is changing...
Nothing stays the same..
This version of myself is not permanent...
Tomorrow, I will be different
The Energy Never Dies...
Energy cannot be destroyed, or created...
It always is...it always will be
This is the end, and the beginning..
Forever...Infinite...
Welcome...


April 1st is a day for me. It's feeled with mixed emotions, both delight and disappointment. I always reflect on how my life changed because of what happened on this day. I am not the same person then as I am today. And I am not going to be the same person tomorrow. This version of myself is not permanent. I am in a constant state of evolving. This is the end, and the beginning.

Get Off the Struggle Bus!

I've been trying to figure out what my next blog post was going to be...but I came across a post I did January 5, 2010 and it is exactly where I am today! So I would like to share an oldie, but a goodie! I needed this today!

Get off the Struggle Bus! This was a part of a powerpoint from a prodevo session I attended today and it's pretty powerful in its own right! The struggle bus are those habits, mistakes, tests/trials, and experiences that get the best of us, that detracts us from our true potential and happiness. We all know people who have permanent seats on the struggle bus and I know I take a ride every now and then!

But as I was reading my devotional about how life is a test and a trust, something connected with that statement from earlier today. The devotional read. "Even the smallest incident has significance for your character development. Every day is an important day, and every second is a growth opportunity to deepen your character, to demonstrate love, or to depend on God." 

If that's not the way to get and stay off the struggle bus, I don't know what is! I will have tests and experiences, yes, that on some days will cause me to want to ride the struggle bus, but I must choose to see it for what it really is. An opportunity to deepen my character, show myself approved, and to trust God! It's all about changing my perception! 

It's time to get off the struggle bus!

Lessons from Mulan

I've always loved Mulan. I remember watching it for the first time-it was after I had heard Christina Aguilera's song 'Reflection'.  I can't think of a single song that best captures my life as that song does. It would be the title track to the soundtrack of my life. Everytime I hear it, something stirs in my spirit. I guess that's why I have always thought that Mulan was Alter-Ego. But as I sit tonight and watch the movie (I just ordered it from my Disney Movie Club membership!), I realize that she's is not my alter-ego. She is my role model. There are so many lessons that can be learned from Mulan, so many themes that I can apply to my life. 

[1] Discipline, Strength, and Courage. In deciding to protect her family, Mulan voluntarily subjects herself to a rigorous warrior training process. She pushes herself beyond her limits and is tested in war, literally and figuratively. She knows that persistence is her only option. She can't turn back now. She develops discipline, strength, and courage above and beyond many of her peers. Of course, this is seemingly ironic because it was emphasized at the beginning of the movie several times that Mulan was a disgrace, that she should learn her place, and she dishonored her father. However, Mulan becomes a warrior of great courage, not because of her official training, but because it was already within her...I guess that's what India Arie meant with her lyrics "Strength, courage, and wisdom...it's been inside of me...all along." It's time for me to embrace mine. I can't continue to be a psullanimous individual (this word is for my Roomie). Remember this year, I'm trying to defy gravity. 

[2] Change Agent. At the very beginning of the movie, there are two very powerful quotes: "A single grain of rice can tip the scale" and " One man may be the difference between victory and defeat." Throughout the movie, Mulan does single acts that tip the scale. Launching the cannon at the iceberg. Choosing to warn Shang after being wounded and seeing the Huns. Mulan goes against gender norms, she goes against conventions. She goes again tradition. She is creative at the temple. She gets results. 

[3] Service. In choosing to serve others, Mulan 'found' herself. She learned of her own strength, determination, abilities, gifts, bravery, and character. She was tested in adversity and she rose to the challenge. Service is something that I have always valued, but lately, I haven't prioritized it. I need to reconnect with that aspect of me. 

[4] Expectations. I've been struggling with this notion of expectations. Expectations of myself. Expectations of others. Expectations of others for me. Even Mulan struggled with her family's expectations of her...she just wanted to look into the mirror and see something worthwhile. At the end, she does realize that she has to live a life that she is proud of by acting in integrity and in honor. But she also took a chill pill and noted "Im just making this up as I go!" Sometimes, that's just what is needed. A decompression. Life doesn't have to be so structured and stressful. Sometimes, it'll work out 

There's so much more that this movie offers, but it's getting super late and I have to get up in the morning early! And in the end, Mulan got her man too! #justsayin :)

Words are Powerful...

I know some folks say that the 'worst' prayer that you can pray is to ask God for patience, because patience cannot be learned, it has to be practiced! You will find yourself in situations that require you to exhibit patience when you would rather not. That's how I am beginning to feel about my selection of 'Defying Gravity' as my mantra for 2011. This year has been such a roller coaster for me and it's only February 1st. I feel like I am going at ridiculously fast pace and not having time to catch my breath. I feel like everything that I have to do, the expectations that I have to meet for other people, the expectations that I have set for myself, and life in general is just unmanageable. I feel like I am going against the natural order of things. There's not enough time in the day and not enough peace in my mind to contain everything. It's like the only thing that I can do is to try to defy gravity. Not so sure how effective I am doing at that right now, but it is what it is. Here's the thing: I am not in the abyss. I just recognize my situation. I will keep at it. I Choose.....to keep going.

The Dark Side of the Abyss

Everyone knows about the Dark Side of the Abyss, but few people actually call it that. It's that place where you start to reflect on anything and everything and nothing at all. It's that place where you scrutinize your every misstep, relive every bad choice and regret all of the instances where you exercised poor judgement. It's that place where for once, you can hardly think of anyone else to blame; you only blame yourself. Part of you knows that it isn't entirely the case, but the Dark Side of the Abyss is a spiral. Thoughts turn into judgements, self-doubt, and bring up more thoughts. None of which are positive. And because it's a spiral, it's hard to get out once it envelops you. And the thing about this place is that, you have to get yourself out of it---no one else can help you there. You are your own hero. 

For me, I never know when I will vacation in the Dark Side of the Abyss. I must admit that sometimes, I have this spidey-sense that it's looming. Most often, it's when I sit and replay conversations and interactions with people that I am not comfortable with. It's a terrible trait of mine, but it is what it is. To so many people, I may come off as someone who is straightforward, but internally, I filter and hold back A LOT. I am convinced that's why I spend quality time in the Dark Side of the Abyss. It's because I don't communicate as well as I ought too. The latest trip to the dark side of the abyss has just reaffirmed that for me. 

My 29th item on my '30 Before 30' list is "Forgive, Forget, and Move On." It's one of the last items of the list because it's going to take a lot for me to able to do this; most of the year maybe. It's going to take courage, trust, and patience. I have a problem with forgiveness and especially with forgetting. I hold things in. I don't tell people when I have been hurt by them. I hold people to high expectations and then get disappointed when they don't meet them. And if I am honest with myself....sometimes the expectations may be unrealistic for them in their eyes. But it doesn't matter, either way, I am left to deal with the angst and resentment that it leaves...not them. But since I don't deal with issues straight on, it kinda get buried under my latest busyness of life. But once I slow down or something rekindles that flame....I am reminded again of that which I never dealt with. It's amazing to me how in my personal life, I am such an avoider, but in every other area of my life, I just tackle things head on. 

I want to enter my 30s with a renewed spirit, mind, and body. To do this, I have to learn how to forgive others and also myself. I need to make peace with others and with myself. I can already tell that it's not going to be easy, but I really want to. In the words of India Arie "But today I decided to let it all go. I'm dropping these bags, I'm making room for my joy. I Choose...to be the best that I can be. I Choose...to be authentic in everything I do."

I Choose. 

To The End of My Own Rainbow...

That's right... I am moving to the end of my own rainbow for 2011. I have decided to write a blog about my outlook on men this year! It's time. Because this past weekend alone has reminded me of where I think I stand. 

[1] I am WORTHY and WORTH IT! Seriously, sometimes, as a 29 and counting woman, I forget that. Each day as my mother reminds me about how much she wants to be a grandmother of many, I think about the fact that my eggs are at half empty. Within these next few years, some life changes will have to happen. But at the end of the day, I am still worthy and worth it. I would so date and marry me. I am a good catch. And when it's time, someone else will and shall know it.  Disclaimer: I realize that she is not actually pressuring me, but just overly dramatic!--she says I always blog about her in an unfavorable way :)

[2] I want to be in a relationship, but I am not desperate! Being back in a small town, I see the non-existent dating pool and you almost wanna think that whatever presents itself will be cool. But then, I am reminded of one of my favorite books, Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert says it precisely: "In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place." And since I am already accused of setting high standards for those in my life, so now is not the time to give up. I did that once this year already and it was not a good look. So I fully expect that only qualified applicants need apply! Haha. 

[4] My Love is TOO Considerate and Virtuous to be thrown back in my face! I am sooo tired of the ridiculousness that dudes bring with them. It's not that hard in my world. Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy. They make it work. Why the extraness? Why the lack of consistency? Why the lack of consideration? Why the games? I am just not able any more. And you know why, because of point #1. It would be different if I were one of those raggedy chicks out there but I'm not! Of course, we all have baggage and all have issues, but I know that at the end of the day, I'm a good one. And relationships should not be so one-sided! Why do you want me to meet you at your side of the bridge....I'm sorry...are your legs broke? Can you not at least meet me in the middle? Seriously. #iCant and #iWont in 2011. I've had a couple of moments in 2010 where it was thrown back in my face....and this year, NOPE!

Well, even though I promised that I would not edit my thoughts as much with this blog as I do with my other, this blog needed some editing for sure because right now, I have very strong thoughts in light of most recent incidents. Anyhow...maybe a revisit to this later.

Bacon or Eggs?

Here's the story of the Chicken and the Pig from Wikipedia if you haven't heard the story.There are several variants as to how the Chicken and the Pig meet and the level of the relationship between the two. However, in every variant, the Chicken suggests that the two involve themselves in a scheme involving making bacon and eggs for breakfast. In reply, the Pig always notes that, for the Chicken, only a contribution is required (as a chicken can simply lay an egg and then resume normal activities), while for the Pig a "total commitment" (or total sacrifice) is needed (as in order to make bacon, the pig must be slaughtered).

Today, I was chatting with my friend CRT and she remarked "you know you are a commit-a-phobe." She suggested that I add to my '30 before 30' list: "Commit to something that involves someone other than yourself." Ouch. Truth hurts. And that's when I replied, "yep, I am a chicken." And on the literal and the figurative level, it's true. If I am totally honest with myself, I am afraid to fully commit to someone or even something, say as simple as a job. With total commitment and sacrifice and the possibility of rejection, disappointment, disillusionment, hurt, betrayal, disloyalty, and a host of other negative results. The more optimistic side of me knows that freedom, love, loyalty, companionship, trust, and so many other things can happen as well. But to be truthful, I've by far experienced more of the negative in relationship with others and I've only allowed myself to be 'involved'.....although I would argue that my involvement can be more than most so-called-commitment. But be that as it may...

So what to do.. what to do...Whelp, for one, I am not adding it to my list although it's a good one. The list is complete (more on that to come!). But I should work on this during the year. I am supposed to be confronting my fears and moving forward with my life. So CRT, thanks for the suggestion. I will work on it. But know that it's going to have to be something that really deserves my total commitment because this year is about ME!